I’m mad…Scratch that. I’m indifferent. Which is…worse, I think. My heart is fighting with my brain. The devil is fighting with my Spirit. If at first I was angry, indifference has now settled in and is trying to spread out of the corners and into my core. And how hard it is for me to focus, for me to believe, for me to have hope. I sit here surrounded by all sorts of big-g-godly things and big-g-godly people and yet…I feel so far away from Him. How easy, my brain tells me, it would be to just walk away and not be affected, not want change, not want growth. How easy it would be to be to be indifferent…
For the first time since coming back to Him, I feel like I’m begging to hear Him, to feel close to him, but all I am getting is silence. I’m trying to praise him, trying to worship, trying to pray, trying to read his word. Can I just get a word? And I know, I know, He’s there here. My heart knows this to be true. But I can’t help but have this sense of distance from him. And, yes, I know He’s never changing, that he hasn’t gone anywhere. I know that this thing I’m feeling is just a feeling but it’s so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do with it.
But he must have known this would be coming. Just when I decided to not be in a small group this semester…he sent me a small group. Before I knew it, I’d already committed to it. Internally I cowered at the thought of having to open up to another group of people I don’t know very well. Perhaps my spirit, knowing my current lack of nourishment, knew that I needed something constant and consistent and informational and safe. The study opened with Amos 8:11-12.
11 “The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign LORD,
“when I will send a famine through the land—
not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.
Four hundred years.That’s how long this famine lasted.
I know my famine will not last 400 years. I can’t help but think the enemy is just trying to scoop me up and take me away from my Jesus. And so I have to hope in this, have my head tell my heart that this is temporary, this is emotional, this is not real.
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As I sit here and write all of this, it occurred to me that I only seem to write when I’m emotionally distraught. So I pondered this for a minute. And then I realized, that up until this indifference settled in…Life was good.
My marriage is good, our children are good. Our home is comfortable and we have found a system since school started. I have stopped forcing myself to find something–the something–I am meant to do. I’d found contentment and comfort in what was.
And after realizing this, it brings me back to the verse after the one above:
12 People will stagger from sea to sea
and wander from north to east,
searching for the word of the LORD,
but they will not find it.
Perhaps I just need to stop waiting for him. Maybe I need to open my eyes wider to his gifts and his Glory, not taking these things for granted. Maybe I need to search for him more deeply and intimately. Maybe the relationship I sought was okay for then, but I’ve grown and need more now. Maybe He is here, inviting me to a deeper relationship, calling me closer. As if to say, “Christie, these things you felt are good and fine, but you were content…you need to feast.”
Remember me telling you a LONG time ago that the deeper you go the harder it gets at certain times?? Yeah, this is it. Spiritual growth is cyclical. You get to one level and then there’s the next….I have no doubt you are going to go deeper. The journey is not always easy, but the journey is beautiful (even when it doesn’t always feel like it). I love you. I’m praying for you!
Wow. I can relate with so much of this post. Like a constant battle between what i feel (emotion) and I what I KNOW to be true about God. Thank you for the verses, and for sharing.