waiting on dreams

August 8, 2010

Father, I pray you use me. Show me and guide me to use what you have given me to bring you Glory. I don’t know where my journey is taking me. And to be honest it’s a bit frightening, the unknown. Lord, grow my trust in you, grow my faith in you. Make me believe You.

I’ve whispered those same words over and over since the summer of last year. Impatiently. Trying to find out what it is that I’m meant to do. Wondering if it’s this or that, but not ever having anything pan out. waiting, waiting, waiting. What is my calling? What is God asking me to do?

How does one know what their dreams are? I used to…or maybe I didn’t, now that I think of it deeper.  I don’t know that I ever wanted to be one thing when I grew up. I don’t remember dreaming about having the perfect wedding or the perfect family with the perfect home and the perfect job. I mean, sure, I said at a time or two that I wanted to be a hair stylist, but it’s not like I dreamed about having a phenomenal salon someday.  Maybe I was too practical. I just didn’t dream those fairytale dreams.

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Giving up a large part of what has consumed my attention has allowed me the freedom to be more intentional with how I create. Even so, I’ve found that while I have wanted to take the time away from photographing in a portrait business, I am not creating as much or as well or as intentionally as I’d prefer. To be honest, it’s almost as if I’ve been doing the same thing for so long that I’m not practiced in other methods…I’m no longer practiced in why I fell in love with what I do in the first place. And this, this has left me feeling as if I’m neither here nor there. Stuck somewhere in the middle. Not knowing what to create, not knowing where or how or with whom.

A large part of this dissension is that I am no longer searching only my heart to find what I am to become or do. I am searching God’s heart. Or rather, asking Him to search mine. And, let me just be honest…There’s only one time in my life where I’ve felt God has spoken directly to me. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not really listening, I’m not really asking, or it’s just not His time yet.

What I do know…I know that God has gifted me with talent and vision. I know that, in the past, I’ve not credited Him with this. I have recently realized that it’s something that has been too good to be true. It’s kind of amazing when a simple desire becomes something much more. When a heart changes, when things become clearer. That’s what has happened to me. I can firmly say that God has placed a calling into my heart: a desire to use the gifts and talents and vision to make a difference, help to change hearts, to bring Glory to the One in which it belongs.

So, I think, now I know my “calling”. But what of my dreams? Truthfully, I feel that God is creating them, placing them in my heart, helping them to find purpose. I can’t help but wonder why I never dreamed big dreams before…Maybe it was because the dreams I may have dreamed at the time wouldn’t hold cake next to what He’s creating for me. The hardest part of this is that I don’t have any specifics yet. Deep down I have faith that He’ll dream up something big for me. It’s just that now is the waiting part. The discernment, the thoughtful process of listening, obeying, living. When is He speaking to me? When is it my own voice?  And…how will I know? Am I building His kingdom or am I building something else? *sigh* Sometimes I just feel like I need a translator.

So…I’m waiting on dreams…

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Gifts 106 – 122

Challenges

Spring Break

new gear

family days

p.b. & j. picnics

ladybug hunts

curious 4 year olds

new friends who love me for who I am and not what I do

text message pick-me-ups

friends who will watch my kids even when it’s last minute

love lived

the rodeo

warm spring days with fresh spring breezes

singers and songwriters who magically give words to the stories of my heart as if they dwell there

brain surgeons and neurologists

blooming flowers

songbirds