whole

You are all things. Denying, rejecting, judging or hiding from any aspect of your total being creates pain and results in a lack of wholeness. – Joy Page

For sometime now I’ve battled with being my whole self. I often compartmentalize things and feelings in my life as if they aren’t a part of my whole being. When I first began building my faith foundation, I kept it separate. I kept my business separate…even my marriage. For whatever reason I felt like things needed to be kept that way…I later realized that I did so because it was easier if my faith didn’t run into the other areas of my life. Having faith tends to show you those negative things hiding in the corners of you.

Take, for instance, this blog. I seem to pour out into it, but only certain aspects of myself. I save journals and thoughts that I don’t want to let out in fear of being judged or thought of differently. Perhaps I don’t share certain aspects because I don’t want to deal with it at all. I even separate this blog from my professional blog…why? Because this is only a part of who I am? Is the person I am here not the same person who takes those photographs, loves those people, finds joy in capturing their memories? I’ve always thought that those customers will love me or hate me, but ultimately, if they want me to photograph them, it’s me who they are asking to do so. Me with my vision and my heart and my love and my prayers and hopes…and even my faults and faith and lack of. Fear of rejection keeps me from sharing my whole.

And why is it? If the only person I need to impress is our Father, the One who already knows my whole self, why do I deny and reject and judge and hide my whole, not only from myself but from people who love me? If I can’t share my whole self, how can I grow? How can I be shaped and encouraged? How can you pray for me? How can I learn about you, relate to you, share with you and pray for you? How can I be held to the standards that Jesus asks of me?

I have to step out of the comfort of the walls of my heart. I have to step out of the pile of pieces that I am, gather them together and realize that I am meant to be whole, a whole formed of  brokenness. I am found whole in Jesus. I think he’d want me to be whole down here, too.

  • This is beautiful! I completely agree, and completely relate. So often, we want to keep parts of ourselves secrets, or separated, when it is much easier to just be our entire selves, all the time. Your photograph is beautiful, and I have a heart for photography. I hope to pursue it one day. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being who you are! You are very much loved and very much appreciated!

  • I really enjoyed reading this. I especially love these last two lines. Thank you for sharing. Happy weekend, Nx

    I have to step out of the comfort of the walls of my heart. I have to step out of the pile of pieces that I am, gather them together and realize that I am meant to be whole, a whole formed of  brokenness. I am found whole in Jesus. I think he’d want me to be whole down here, too.

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